lifewithomg

Honestly, I don’t understand what goes on in my mind. Did you know that women on average speak 20,000 words a day, while men only speak 7,000? Nope, not me. I probably speak 30,000 words (40K on a good day). In my head, it’s as if I have 20 computer tabs open and they’re all playing at. THE. SAME. TIME. Now that you have a small glimpse into some of my personal struggles, let me explain to you why I hear voices. Now, as always, it’s story time.

It’s no secret that I took some time off from school. (If you didn’t know, you can catch yourself up here.) Now, in this time of “rediscovering who I am,” I was supposed to reflect on my life and grow in my relationship with God. Yeah, that wasn’t happening. I was doing everything BUT taking time out to spend with God. I honestly had no excuse because all I did was work and sleep. I still had no genuine friends, so I spent my nights playing Solitaire. It got to the point were I was beating my own high score. (I’m still trying to beat 1:22 seconds. Pretty cool, huh?)

* proof*

I was living the good life. I’d come home, eat some snacks, watch Netflix, and just enjoy my carefree life. Because my parents and I had different work schedules, I usually had the house to myself. Any other time, I would’ve loved it! But whenever I would take a bathroom break or impatiently wait the 15 seconds it took for the next episode to start, I’d hear a voice. It was a familiar voice. It sounded like me, but with a more pleasant tone. She said, “wow, if only you were pretty. That’s probably why you’re still single, to be honest. What a shame that you’ll never amount to anything.” My personal favorite was when she’d say “Wow. You’re wearing that? You look like a potato, seriously. No wonder you dropped out of school. You’ll never be taken seriously if you keep being emotional. You’ll never succeed so you might as well just give up and live in your parents basement for the rest of your life.” All of that during a commercial break.

Anyways, I slowly started to plunge into a state of despondency and dejection. For months, every night after I beat my high score, I’d spend my down time scrolling on my phone, looking at all of my friend’s having the time of their lives and making memories. I had it down to a science. I would tell myself I was “keeping tabs” on everyone so I didn’t miss anything, but I really just needed an acceptable reason to watch everyone else have fun. After a while they all stopped inviting me places, because they knew I would feel uncomfortable or say no. I didn’t like talking to people I didn’t know, but still had the nerve to get agitated when I wasn’t invited. I found myself crying out to God, asking why I couldn’t be like everyone else. I longed to be the carefree young college student who just lived life with no regrets and would be able to tell crazy stories to their future grandkids. Instead, I stayed in the comfortable four walls I call my room and lived vicariously through everyone else. What a way to live!

Fast forward a few months to when I finally went back to school. I had never felt so empty than I did then. I felt abandoned and forgotten. The time to “rediscover who I was” ended and I was even further down in my faith than I ever intended. Or so I thought…

One day, I was walking down the hall to class and noticed a man from maintenance staring at me like I had something on my face. So as any other strange person would do, I stared back. For the next hour I was insecure that there was something on me. When the day finally ended, I saw him in the same area as before. As I started out the door towards my car he stopped me and said, “You know, I can see that the presence of God is with you. It’s so evident.” And just as quickly as he came, he turned around and walked away. I never saw him again. If this man could stare at me for 10 seconds and know the presence of God was with me, what does that mean about my attitude towards Him?

Depression. Confusion. Unworthiness. Abandonment. We’ve all felt one, if not all, happen in our lives. What if, instead of succumbing to the thoughts that are not of God, we realize our worth and start acting like the sons and daughters of the Most High? Be strong! Be courageous! Stop thinking that God abandoned you and recognize that He never left! It’s time to get up off the couch and fix that tilted crown! Parties always suck when only one person shows up and that happens to be you, so why oh why would you through yourself a pity party?! Parties are supposed to be fun and that doesn’t sound like much fun.

We face many trials in life. There are people in this world who wish to rob you of your joy, simply because they believe it will make them feel better inside. Jesus clearly states in John 10:10 that the devil’s job is to steal, kill, and destroy. Don’t give him permission to take away anything, especially your joy! That’s what make you, you! It’s so important to know our worth and who we are. When you forget, you can ALWAYS look to the Bible for the right answer. Now please know this, we will face opposition in life. When you live for God, tough times without a doubt are going to come, but that doesn’t make it a waste of time. It’s not something we should fear! The Bible never states that life would be easy, but that we will overcome the opposition through Christ Jesus.

In the midst of your depression, He’s there. In the midst of the anxiety, He’s there. Through all the hurt, pain, and suffering guess what? He’s there. How refreshing to know that God was and always is here, protecting us and loving us through our darkest hours.

Discerning my way through the voices in my head,

OMG